What a wonderful life
This life I'm livin'
What a wonderful life
Livin' the life of ease
Oh, oh
Well, I got no job to worry me
No big bad boss to hurry me
It's a wonderful life
Life's good to me
It's a wonderful road
This road I'm travelin'
It's a wonderful road
Heading beyond the hills
Oh, yeah
Well, it may go straight, or it may detour
But one thing that I know for sure
It's a wonderful life
Life's good to me
I don't know where I'm going, don't care where I'm going
Like the four winds a-blowin', I go on
Laughing the day away, loving the night away
Till the moon is gone
It's a wonderful life
This life I'm livin'
What a wonderful life
Livin' the life I love
Oh, yeah
Well, I've got neighbors
I've got friends
Anywhere the rainbow ends
It's a wonderful life
Life's good to me
I don't know where I'm goin', don't care where I'm goin'
Like the four winds a-blowin', I go on
Laughing the day away, loving the night away
Till the moon is gone
It's a wonderful life
This life I'm livin'
What a wonderful life
Livin' the life I love
Oh, yeah
Well, I've got neighbors
I've got friends
Just about anywhere the rainbow ends
It's a wonderful life
Life's good to me
It's a wonderful life
Life's good to me
Oh, it's a crazy life
Life's good to me
- Pop! - No.
We ain't stopping the car again.
We don't want to stop. We want to know, are we good boys?
Yeah, yeah. You're good boys.
All right, Toby, give 'em a piece of candy.
Thank you.
- It ain't even. - I know.
- Now it is. - Yeah.
- Thanks. - You're welcome.
You ain't gonna use that road, are you, Pop?
Why not?
Well, that signs says "closed to the public."
Well, we ain't the public. We're part of the government.
They send me checks. I keep them busy and happy.
We're depending on each other. We ain't the public, Toby.
Damn it, I lost my traction.
Don't get upset, pa. I'll lift her off.
You'll do nothing of the kind. You're getting $63.80 a month...
because the army totally disabled your back.
Now, how is it going to look...
if somebody comes along, and you're lifting up an automobile?
My back don't feel totally disabled.
It don't matter how your back feels.
It's what the army doctors say that counts.
I keep telling you, Pop...
they examined me right after my first judo lesson.
It was a little twisted up, but it twisted back next lesson.
- Toby, we'll get out. - That's OK.
Didn't twist your back again, did you, son?
No, sir, I just used mostly my hands.
- Good. Good. - I wonder where the road goes.
It's hard to tell just from looking at one end.
- Hey, Pop? - Yeah, Holly?
Listen, I've been taking notice.
We haven't passed a house or even a gas station...
the whole time we've been on this road.
Well, it stands to reason. It's a brand-new road.
Country ain't caught up with it yet.
Doesn't your gas gauge read empty?
When my gas gauge says empty...
it's still got three gallons left in it.
I can't understand it.
Where you going, son?
I'm gonna jog up the highway and get some gasoline.
You gonna do nothing of the kind.
Why not?
One of those government highway patrol wagons...
is gonna come along here any minute.
Now, Pop, there won't be any patrolling...
if this road doesn't go anywhere.
Well, why wouldn't this road want to go nowhere?
Maybe the government run out of money...
before they could finish it.
How many times I have to tell you...
that the government don't run out of money?
Only people run out of money. The government's loaded.
Wake me up when that truck patrols by here.
All right, Pop.
Gee, Toby, it's gonna to be gettin' dark...
in a couple of hours.
I don't see how we can prevent it.
I'm awful thirsty. So are the children.
I'm sorry, Holly, but I don't happen to have...
any drinkin' water on me right now.
I wonder what's keeping that patrol car.
- Toby! - Yeah?
We could dig for some.
Well, there's always what you call ground water...
and it... it doesn't mix with the saltwater...
so if you dig down to water level, you can get the fresh.
Well, another thing I don't have on me is a shovel.
Why, it's soft ground.
All you need is sort of a scoop or something.
There ought to be something around here we could use.
- What about this? - Oh, no, not your pop's fender.
Oh, I'll put it back on before he wakes up.
I hit one.
- Did not. - I did so.
Just keep throwing. We need more coconuts.
Higher.
Higher. That's it. Higher.
- Hey, Pop, you want to try one? - No, I don't want to try one.
Higher.
Here you go, Ariadne.
You're just as happy as a house cat, ain't you?
Women like doing things for other people.
Don't men ever feel like that?
- What'd I say that was so funny? - Oh, nothing.
I was just remembering after your folks died...
when Pop took you in...
what a skinny, scrawny little thing you were...
all eyes and elbows.
And now you're practically...
well, like you said, practically a woman.
- Toby. - Huh?
- Will you look at me? - Mm-hmm.
No, I mean real good.
I know you're a woman, Holly...
and I know I said "practically"...
and that bothers you, don't it?
Yeah, well, I am 19 years old, and I'm... I'm kind of well-built.
Yep. I know that, too. And I'm glad of it.
- Are you, Toby? - Uh-huh.
Because I'm trying not to notice things like that...
and you're a good one to practice not noticing on.
Well, why me? And, well, what's wrong with noticing girls?
Well, that's how they catch you. Pop told me all about it...
the day I got sent home from band practice...
for grabbing Amy Plotkin.
- You remember Amy? - Yeah, I remember Amy.
You know anything about sex, Holly?
Of course I do.
Who told you?
Oh, l... I don't remember.
Never you mind.
You've been living with us since you was thirteen.
You know about it then?
Oh, Toby, leave me alone.
I'm sorry, honey. I didn't aim to make you mad.
I was just trying to explain what you asked me.
Well, then explain. Don't ask questions.
Well, it's just like Pop said. Women are natural nesters.
Just look at the way you took to nesting right here...
cooking dinner and everything, starting from scratch.
Well, I would dearly love to know...
what's so awful about nesting.
It's just being married and having a house.
Well, nothing, except doing it when you don't want to.
I think a man ought to be allowed...
to wait until he wants to.
Women don't aim to let you wait.
That's why I use my education agin' 'em.
Your education?
Mm-hmm. Multiplication tables.
Anytime some pretty gal is standing around bothering me...
I just close my eyes, and I say...
"One times one is one, and one times two is two"...
and right on through the eights.
Most of the time, I only have to get to the sixes...
and they get disgusted and go away.
I can imagine.
Of course, it don't do much good...
if they hang on through the 8s, because I forget the 9ses.
That's what happened that night...
behind the bowling alley with Gertrude.
I forgot the nineses.
- Toby? - Huh?
When... when you say that you want to wait, do you want to?
Does that mean that you... you don't want to fall in love?
Doesn't everybody want to fall in love?
Not me. Not judging from the kind of love...
I seen people fall into.
Pop had a song that explained it pretty well.
Let me see, how did that thing go?
Show me a girl
With a dimple on her cheek
Butter melts in her mouth
When she opens it to speak
Show me a girl
Who is acting so refined
And I'll show you a girl
With one thing on her mind
So I say, you know what?
She says, what?
I say, what?
Oh, I'm not the marrying kind
Oh, you've got what it takes
And it takes what you got
But I'm not the marrying kind
Don't kiss me, don't claw me
Don't pet me, don't paw me
I won't leave my freedom behind
So I say, you know what?
She says, what?
I say, what?
Oh, I'm not the marrying kind
You know what?
She says, what?
I say, what?
Thanks a lot, but I'm not the marrying kind
Don't kiss me, don't claw me
Don't pet me, don't paw me
I won't leave my freedom behind
So I say, you know what?
She says, what?
I say, what?
Oh, I'm not the marrying kind
I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not
Now you've got what I'm not
I'm not the marrying kind
Oh, I'm not the marrying kind
No, I'm not the marrying kind
Come on, Ariadne.
The governor's scheduled to start...
from the coast highway at 11:00.
I'd hate to miss the dedication.
You certainly got a right to be...
mighty proud of this project, Mr. King.
Not a tin can or a gum wrapper along the whole thirty miles.
Stop!
Stop, quick!
Bang! Bang! Bang!
What... what in the name of...
Bang! Bang! Bang!
What's going on here?
I reckon you're from the government...
and I will say it's about time.
I am the state supervisor of highways...
and I want to know what you're doing here.
See, we ran out of gas here on this road.
Don't give me that stuff. You've been camping here.
Well, we couldn't camp nowhere else...
because this is where we ran out of gas.
I think... I think you're within fifty feet...
of the center line of that road.
That means that legally speaking...
you're on the thoroughfare.
You could be arrested for obstructing traffic.
- I don't see any jam-up here. - That doesn't matter.
You can't just camp on a public thoroughfare as if you owned it.
The way you're talking, a body'd think you owned it.
I am ordering you to pack your junk in that jalopy...
and clear out.
On foot, huh? Huh?
You claim you're out of gas, do you?
Yes, sir. And I'm mighty near out of patience...
with this kind of government.
Joe, break out that spare can of gas.
I want your name and address.
You're going to be billed for it.
We're the Kwimpers from Cranberry County...
just over the state line.
Just care of the county... they always know where to find us.
- You're his son? - That's right.
And she is your wife? And those are your children?
Oh, uh, no, sir. Me and Pop, we're the Kwimpers.
Teddy and Eddy sittin' over there on that car...
they're some sort of fourth cousin or something.
After their folks died, we just sort of took 'em in.
They don't cost us much, though...
on account of we collect aid for dependent children.
That teenager there, she's Holly Jones.
She used to be our baby-sitter.
Her folks got killed in an auto accident.
She's just stayed with us ever since.
And that little girl, she was orphaned just last year.
She's just three years old. Her name's Ariadne.
All right. All right. You're a self-appointed orphanage.
Now, will you kindly get this mess loaded?
Yes, sir. I was just trying to...
Now, wait a minute. Wait a minute.
He can't load nothing. He's on total disability for a bad back.
- Aw, Pop. - Total disability?
What do you collect, unemployment compensation?
Well, relief is...
Lately, he's been favoring relief.
All wards of the government, huh?
Well, look here. In 15 minutes, the governor of this state...
is gonna drive along this road and dedicate it...
and he's not gonna be looking at any mess like this.
Yes, sir.
I don't know why I should explain anything to you...
but this road, this road...
is part of a big public betterment program.
Over there, we'll have a bird sanctuary.
Well, that'll be nice.
Yeah. Back there, a wildlife preserve.
- That'll be nice, too. - Mr. King!
Here come a bunch of cars. It must be the governor.
Oh, no. He's early.
- I got the gasoline. - Never mind about the gas.
Let's get this place cleaned up.
Just a moment.
You must be insane.
You said yourself the public thoroughfare...
is fifty feet from the center line.
Well, the fifty feet ends right there.
Teddy and Eddy just measured it. Right, boys?
- Right. - Right.
Back. Back. Back.
What's it matter where it ends?
This is state property, you idiot.
This is private property.
Oh, no. He's stopping.
Mr. King? What seems to be the trouble here?
Governor, your excellency, I'm very sorry, but these people...
are obstructing a public thoroughfare.
We'll get rid of them right away, your excellency.
Trooper, sergeant, arrest these people.
- Good morning, governor. - Yes, sir.
Good morning, sir.
Mr. Governor, if you appointed this man...
I think it best you get out of the car right now...
and put him straight.
A man like you has got to know the law...
and it's on the record now.
You witnessed his violation of a citizen's rights.
Are you a student of the law, sir?
A student? Why...
I know that the police can't come on private property...
unless they's got a warrant or is chasing people.
Now, nobody can chase us on account of we ain't running.
So, it's best they get off that private property...
- right, governor? Right? - Well...
Sir, it's not private property.
It's fill land, put there by the highway division.
Well, you know what the law states...
about homesteading, don't you, governor?
Well, we're homesteading from the end of the thoroughfare...
to the edge of the river.
Oh, homesteaders, eh?
Homesteaders!
Any public land can be homesteaded, can't it?
Yes, sir. If they put up a roof...
and stay on it for six months, they own it.
The boy's right, governor. Well, there's the roof.
Uh, they're on private property. Would you get back a mite?
- They're trespassing. - All right, officers, get off.
Respect private property at all times, gentlemen.
That's the law.
Well, justice has been rendered.
I'll see you later, Mr. King.
Let's move along.
- Take care of yourself. - Thank you, sir.
Nice parade.
He's a nice fellow.
Let's give three cheers for Pop.
- Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! - Stop that, you brats.
- Brats? - Who you calling brats?
I'll take care of it. Run along and play, kids.
You gonna stand on our property...
and you're gonna give orders like you were entitled to?
That's a good idea. Play it up while you've got the chance.
Oh, yes, there's a homestead law...
and you've taken good advantage of it...
but there's other laws, Kwimper...
laws that might cause you a lot of unpleasantness.
Such as? Go ahead, quote 'em.
One, for instance, provides that...
none of you receive any more welfare benefits...
from your home state.
You're residents here now?
I shall so notify the proper authorities.
Pop, he...
Pop, you want me to throw this fella off our property?
No, no, no. No, just leave him be.
We'll listen, and we'll learn.
Learn this, too, then. That well is probably unhygenic.
That lean-to doesn't conform...
to any zoning restriction I know of.
Kwimper, I'm proud of my job...
and of my responsibility to the people.
I owe them my best efforts to run your sort out of this area.
You'll be hearing from me shortly. Come along, Joe.
Funny thing... I was just about to give him back his land...
when he turned nasty.
Now I don't know what to do.
Pop, didn't you mean what you said...
about homesteading and all?
Damn it, I ought to stay here...
but it's an awful lot of bother...
just to take that uppity-heimer down a peg.
I got to think it over, Tobe.
- What... what... what... - I got think it over, Tobe.
- Toby? - Huh?
Cross your fingers and pray.
Pray for what, Holly?
To homestead.
To stay here, to stay here for always.
Why, that don't make a bit of sense to me.
What's wrong with our own home?
After Gertrude Patterson leaves, that is.
Oh, it not our home, it's your home.
But if... if we built a place here...
it would really be part mine...
and not just a place I was allowed to move into.
Be my first real home.
I'm sorry, Toby, if that sounds ungrateful.
That's natural, honey. I mean...
women are just natural nesters, just like Pop said.
Toby, a body would think a grown man...
could make up his own mind about things.
Well, I agree with you there.
I kind of like to make my own decisions, too...
but I usually wind up doing what Pop wants, anyway.
Don't... don't you understand that I want to stay?
I want to stay so much.
I didn't realize it meant that much to you.
Just don't get upset about it. I'll fix it.
How?
You mean you haven't learned how to handle...
a contrary man like Pop yet?
Watch this. Hey, Pop!
- Pop? - Huh? Huh? Huh?
- We'd better get out of here. - Who says?
Well, that King fellow's gonna make an awful lot of trouble.
I'll break him off like a dry twig.
- Well, maybe so and maybe not. - No maybe about it.
Well, it's just that me and Holly here...
we don't think you can handle a man...
as big and powerful as a highway supervisor.
Well, that settle's it.
We're staying. We're homesteadin'.
We ain't leaving here till I say so.
But, Pop, how can we possibly manage?
How will we manage? That's my department.
I'll take care of the brain work.
You young folks, you take care of the work work.
Toby...
Toby, I could kiss you for that.
One times one is one. One times two is two.
Wow! That's a monster.
Is it good to eat?
Well, we ain't never going to know.
He's too big to handle for this gear.
What do you got there, a tarpon?
I don't know, but whatever it is, it's a whopper.
It's too big to catch with a diaper pin.
I'm trying to get rid of him...
just as much as he's trying to get rid of me.
Trying to get rid of him?
I've been paying sixty-five a day for charter boats...
and never hooked one like that.
I'd give twenty dollars to play him.
- You're mighty welcome, sir. - Well, thank you!
Just try not to lose the diaper pin if you can help it.
The dia... uh, no. Thank you.
- Excuse me, sir. - Mm-hmm.
- Hey, Pop. - Hi, son.
- Get all the shopping done? - I think so.
Did you have enough money for everything?
Yep, and a couple of luxury items, too.
I went to a junkyard, and I bought us a john.
Oh.
Ain't it a lover?
Sure is, Pop.
I bought some cheap lumber, too.
I'm gonna build it its own little house.
Is that a telegram, Pop?
Yeah, from the government back home.
That King fellow didn't waste no time getting us cut off.
Well, don't you worry, Pop. We'll manage.
Ain't nobody can fret a family got its own private john.
Nobody.
- Need some help, sir? - No, thanks.
He's putting up a pretty good fight.
Yeah.
- Did you hurt yourself? - Are you all right?
I'm fine. I never had so much fun in my life.
I'm glad you didn't hurt yourself.
Did you see the size of that one?
The hook straightened out.
It wasn't... it wasn't much of a hook, though.
It was just a diaper pin is all it was.
A diaper pin, a pole, and a piece of string...
and I had more action than with $1,000 worth of equipment.
Oh, oh, oh. Nope. Here's your twenty dollars.
Oh, I couldn't take that.
All I done was lend you a fish, and it was a public fish anyway.
Thank you, sir.
Oh, Holly, I can bend this back into a hook again.
I'm with you, sister. Money's like a fish.
Anytime you can hook it, you hook it.
I'll be back.
Thank you, sir.
Oh, I know what you're thinking, Toby.
It's a shame to take money from a crazy man.
But we need this, and...
the way he talked, he had plenty.
Imagine paying money to fish.
Here. It's yours.
No, give it to Pop.
- So long. - Bye.
- Holly. - Hmm?
Did you hear what that fella said...
about paying sixty-five dollars a day just to fish?
Yeah.
Kind of funny, isn't it?
All the fish out here you want, for free.
The bait's free. Hooks don't cost much.
- You've given me an idea. - I have?
It's such a wonderful idea.
Oh, Toby, you're gonna be proud of me.
Sure you don't need anything else?
Nope. This is just fine.
Now, really, there are fish up there by the millions.
Thanks for the information. I'll pass it along.
- You do that. Bye. - Bye.
Oh, a big one. You got a beauty there, miss.
Oh! There's a beauty if I ever saw one.
Wish you'd caught that, huh?
Two cups. One with, one without.
One with and one without.
Throw in a couple of doughnuts, please!
Couple of doughnuts.
- More wood, Teddy. - Yeah, Pop.
Eighty-nine, ninety...
ninety-one, ninety-one and a half...
- Is she asleep? - Mm-hmm.
Ninety-two dollars, Pop.
Ninety-two. That's fine for one day, son.
That's what comes of stickin' up for your rights.
Not running like a scalded dog, the way you wanted me to.
Oh, you was right, Pop. I was wrong.
Well, we better start a bank account.
Uh-uh. Never had nothin' to do with no banks.
Ain't gonna start now.
Now, Pop, banks pay interest...
and you double your money before you...
But I hate them. Don't you, Toby?
Oh, I never even seen the inside of a bank.
I don't aim to.
Me, neither.
Gonna make a few improvements.
Lots, Pop.
What we first need is a line of pilings offshore.
We do?
So we can build a dock.
- A dock? - Let me handle this, Pop.
I understand her a little better than you do.
Now, what do we need a dock for, honey?
Silly. So we can tie up our rowboats.
Oh, rowboats.
We need a rowboat, so we can row out to our yacht, Pop.
Else how could we get out to that island where our hotel is?
Now, will you two stop it? I mean this.
We need rowboats so we can rent them out to our fishing parties.
Right now, our customers are fishing off of that bridge...
and it belongs to the state highway.
Now, how long is it before that Mr. King...
is gonna put a stop to it?
Be damned if she's right.
- She is? - Well, of course I am.
So I talked to some folks...
and it figures out we can get some used rowboats...
build a dock, and have a real fishing place...
for about two thousand dollars.
Two thousand dollars?
You done busted a buckle, honey.
No, no. I been asking around. There's a very good chance...
we can borrow the money from the bank.
Well, that would sure change my opinion about banks.
You mean they'll lend you the money...
just for the asking of it?
Oh, no, and the interest.
You gotta pay them back a little more than they pay out.
Oh! That's how they do it.
Yeah, Pop. Well, will you go?
Will you go to the bank and borrow two thousand dollars?
Well, if it's that easy, let Toby do it.
- You mean me? - Holy lke!
Here I am dealing with banks...
got my own fleet of rowboats, my own docks...
all because I wouldn't let some government man...
tell me where I could stand and where I couldn't.
See, there's a lot of money in not doing what you're told.
Yes, sir. Teddy, Eddy, let that learn ya.
If you wanna get along in life, never do what you're told.
Oh, for heaven's sakes, don't tell them a thing like that.
It ain't no wronger than telling 'em...
they always gotta take orders.
Some folks tell you what to do
They think they know more than you
They insist that they're givin' sound advice
But as sure as you're livin'
It ain't sound, it ain't nice
It just doesn't sound like sound advice
Some folks like to be the boss
They get up on their high horse
Oh, they say that you're gettin' sound advice
Well, there's one thing I'm bettin'
It ain't wise, it ain't nice
You won't like the sound of their advice
Sound advice we're a-givin'
Sound advice
Just as sure as you're livin'
If you're smart, you'll think twice
When they start to sound off with advice
Don't listen to their sound advice
Toby, fifteen minutes left.
Kinda like a church, ain't it?
Yeah.
What they got them poor fellas locked up for?
They're tellers. They cash checks and make change...
and things like that.
Oh. Do they do the lendin', too?
Well, I suppose so.
No. No, there. Through the glass door.
Now, Toby, you make sure and don't forget to tell them...
that we grossed ninety-two dollars on Sunday.
And that you're in the army... that's for character reference.
OK? Now go on.
Hey, aren't you coming with me?
No, I can't go in. I'm not dressed.
You don't look no crummier than I do.
Come on, now. It's different for a man.
Now, you go on, Toby. I'll be standing here prayin'.
Anything I can do for you?
No, I don't believe I have any use...
for a policeman right now. Thank you.
All right.
- Oh, pardon me, please. - Oh, yes, sir.
Thank you.
- What do you want? - Money.
Money?
There's nothing to be afraid of.
In fact, I'm just as scared as you are.
What's that you're saying?
Feelin' sick, huh?
Help. Help. Help.
You look like you need help.
Help! Help!
- Get your hands up. - Who, me?
Come on, get 'em up.
You want me to drop this fella on the floor?
- He's got a hostage. - Open the dang door, will ya?
Soon as I open this door...
get him before he can go for his gun.
Watch out we don't hit Mr. Binkley.
This man's in bad shape.
He ain't gonna get no better if you fellas don't do what I say.
One of you better call him an ambulance.
Hold it right there, or I'll blow your head off.
The way your waving that thing around...
you're likely to hit most anybody.
And you better put yours down, too.
Thank you.
Why don't somebody get him a doctor?
Watch out, Mr. Endicott, he's got a gun!
Hello, Toby.
Are you holding up this bank?
No, sir. Is somebody holdin' it up?
Where'd you get that gun?
Oh, I took it away from him.
He was over there waving it around.
He might shoot somebody.
I'll bet it's even loaded.
- Let me have it, please. - Yes, sir.
Thank you.
What have you done to George?
Nothing. I just picked him up. He... he fainted.
Are you all right, sir?
I don't know.
- Who are you? - A friend of mine.
He runs that fishing place out on the new highway.
Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you...
All right, guard. Open up the door, please.
It's all right, folks. Nothing to be frightened about.
Just a mistake. Everything will be all right.
Toby! Are you all right?
Yeah, I'm all right, Holly. I'm all right.
- Hello, Mr. Endicott. - Hello, dear.
Well, maybe you can tell me what this is all about.
Well... I don't know. It just seemed to happen all at once.
Well, Mr. Binkley yelled for help...
No, I didn't.
George, remember you're a vice president.
Please get off the depositors' table.
Well, l... I didn't yell for help.
- Toby did. - Well, I thought he was sick.
This man broke into the bank vault...
I understand, guard. Here's your gun.
- Just go about your business. - Yes, sir.
Well, let's get down to fundamentals.
Now, young lady, what are you and this gentleman...
doing in our little bank?
We want to borrow two thousand dollars.
Please?
Well, you went to the right person.
George here is our loan officer.
Well, could we have the money right now, sir?
You see, the parking meter's running outside.
Well, Toby, we don't do things quite that fast here.
Why don't we come to my office?
I think George needs to sit down.
Come along. Come along, George.
Well, so if we can get the dock...
and the boats and the outboard motors...
we could rent them, make a lot of money, and build a house.
Well, George here is the man you're gonna have to convince.
You frightened him to death.
Now it's his turn to frighten you.
Mr. Kwimper, the bank must have security now.
Well, that is to say that we have to be sure...
that we'll get our money back.
Now, this is Mrs. Kwimper?
Oh, no, sir. She just lives with me.
Oh. Oh, well, I didn't mean to pry.
I think you're getting the wrong impression, George.
How long have you lived with the Kwimpers?
Since I've been about thirteen. Toby's pa took me in.
For the same reason he took in Ariadne and the twins.
We had no place to go.
Get the picture, George?
Oh, thank you. Yes. Yes, sir.
Now, this land that you're living on...
well, is it... is it mortgaged?
Well, I don't know, sir. We don't own it.
We're homesteadin'.
Well, we can't very well lend you money...
on property you don't own yet.
Well, we own our john.
I didn't quite catch that.
Our john.
And I guess we own the house that we built for it, too.
Oh. Oh, yes.
Uh, well, let's move on here. Yes. Now, how about your car?
Well, that car means an awful lot to Pop...
even though it only cost fifty dollars.
Besides, it's got fried hubcaps.
Of course.
Well, George, you've got to admit...
he's been giving you honest answers.
Not cagey ones, but honest.
A week ago, he refused to take $20 for a public fish.
Oh, that's very commendable. I think... how's that?
Well, it doesn't really matter.
I happen to have a very high opinion of honesty.
Oh, yes, sir. Of course.
But is it security?
It just might be that this is the only real security there is.
Well, sir, l... I became a vice president of this bank...
because I made it a habit never to contradict the boss.
This bank is about to lend you two thousand dollars.
We're very grateful, sir...
but I don't wanna try to fool anybody.
Now, that car of Pop's is in a terrible mess.
Oh, it doesn't matter, Toby.
What we're making is known as a character loan.
We do it now and then...
but not often enough for the good of our souls.
Don't you agree, George?
Oh! Oh, yes. Yes, sir.
Well, nice having done business with you, Toby.
Thank you, Mr. Endicott.
- And you, Holly. - Thank you, sir.
- Oh, Mr. King? - Yes?
Miss Claypoole's office just called.
She has your memo, and she can see you now.
Good. Call her back and tell her I'll be right there.
Yes, sir.
Well, I gather you don't think highly of these Kwimper people.
You gather good.
They sound half hillbilly, half hobo to me.
With a tincture of bowery bum, and possibly wino.
Well, Arthur, if this memo of yours is correct...
this is a case for the police, not the social welfare.
Does the memo imply they've broken the law?
I don't recall making any such statement.
Well, it says, "A social contagion...
"that aims its poison of indifference and sloth...
"at the soul of our social structure."
Well, is that funny?
No. Sorry, Arthur. You do get a bit stuffy when you get angry.
Yes, Alisha. When a few parasitic individuals...
set themselves above the interests...
of six million taxpayers, I get angry...
and stuffy and determined!
Well, if these people are what you represent...
the state welfare can make them want to be someplace else.
But I'm afraid I can't take your word for it.
I'll have to interview them.
Alisha, how dare you imply I'd misrepresent this situation.
Arthur, keep your shirt on.
You've already admitted you were angry.
Now, what welfare officer would take...
the recommendations of an angry man, hmm?
Remember, I didn't take this job for livelihood.
I enjoy my work.
I must say, interviewing the Kwimpers...
does look like a lot of fun.
Good morning, Holly!
- Good morning, folks! - Did you get my yarn I needed?
Yeah! I'll bring it over in a few minutes!
Pop? Toby? It's last Sunday's.
The man at the fishing tackle place saved it for me.
Now listen.
"New bay development open to homesteading.
"New enterprise to cater for fishing parties.
"The exact status at this newly created bay development...
"is a bit of a puzzle.
"It cannot be restricted...
"by municipal or county ordinances...
"as it lies outside their jurisdiction."
Hold on, Holly. You're turnin' my head with talkin' so fast.
Look, Holly. Son.
That means that the city or the county...
ain't got no say over us.
Even their police can't come in here and tell us what to do.
That's why we got a lot of neighbors.
See, folks can take so much government...
then they gotta bust out and go where there ain't none.
- Understand, son? - I think so, Pop.
Kind of funny, all them fellas livin' in one trailer, ain't it?
Ain't no business of ours.
Too much pressure.
- Too much pressure. - Yep.
You know, maybe we should pay 'em a call, huh?
Sounds to me like they got enough callers.
Well, I just don't feel right acting standoffish to neighbors.
Well, suit yourself, Holly.
Toby, come on with me. I'll take them some coffee.
Don't want to go empty-handed.
It's your move, Pop.
I know it, son.
Here. Here's a fresh one. Be careful.
All right, punk, where do you think you're going?
- Hold it right there. - Give me that.
Watch it. You'll make me spill it.
- What have you got there? - Hey, look at the Popsie.
She's got a knife on her! Give me that! Ow! Ooh!
Come here, see!
What is this?
This punk threw acid on my hand!
You better watch it, Carmine.
That dame, she slashed me with a knife.
I never did anything of the kind.
All right, hold it, you two. Put a flash on 'em.
Look, we're just trying to be neighborly.
I'm sorry you fellas got hurt, but you done it yourself.
A pot of coffee and a can opener.
A couple of great muscle men you are.
Holly here made you some coffee. Would you like to try some?
Sure thing. Hey, you two must be from next door.
- Yeah. Glad to meet you. - Pleased to meet you.
Would you like to come inside, meet my partner Nick?
If you put some butter on it, it'll take the sting out of it.
- Come on in. - Thanks.
- What's that? - What's what?
Oh, Holly ain't never been nowhere.
That's a pool table, honey.
First one I've seen without pockets, though.
Yeah, well, you just double the bet...
and make yourself some easy money, Sam.
What'd you do, send out for something?
No, Nick. These people are from next door.
They brought us some coffee.
Coffee? What for?
You drink it.
Is he kidding?
I don't think so. He's like that.
Well, Toby and I just like to be neighborly, that's all.
Sure. You want me to pour you a cup?
No, no, no. Bud, look. We're not neighbors.
This is a floating game, see?
We just stick around in one place...
until it gets too hot, then we move along. Get it?
Oh, sure. Well, they tell me...
it don't get hot around here till about the middle of July.
He is like that, ain't he?
No, you see, it gets hot for us...
anyplace we go after a couple days.
Well, if it gets hot anyplace, what'd you come here for?
Well, it was on the way.
Oh. Then you're not just running away...
from the government?
What was that?
Well, Toby thinks maybe you saw that piece in the paper...
about there being no government.
No what kind of government?
Well, it said that the state built this here land...
and the county ain't got no say-so over it.
The city neither.
Hey, could this be on the level?
You know, it sounds screwy enough. It could be kosher.
That's what it sounds like to me.
Oh, baby. This kind of a chance comes along...
once in a lifetime.
Carmine, you know, this can turn out...
to be an east coast Las Vegas.
Sure.
Oh, you mean because there's no police here.
Now you're diggin' it, little lady.
Yes, but what about after we file?
- File what? - Our claim.
Once we've lived here for six months, we can claim the land.
Pop says it'll be part of the county then.
Oh. Well, this land claim idea don't sound too good.
Well, I bet it would if Pop explained it to ya.
Yeah? Where is he? In that woodpile next door?
He wasn't in the woodpile when we left. He was...
Well, let's visit him anyway, yeah?
- After you. Please. - Thank you, sir.
Oh. Oh, baby, is this a sweet deal.
Carmine, nobody's gonna mess it up.
You're not planning any rough stuff?
We do it nice if we can.
Your kid here tells me...
you're gonna put in a claim for this land.
Mm. That's about the size of it.
Well, that'd be a big mistake. Bring the cops here.
Right nice of you to warn us, but I knowed all about it.
Well, I like to do things nice if I can.
Now, there's two thousand dollars.
Carmine and me wanna buy your place.
- Oh, no. You can't... - We ain't gonna sell.
We got $2,000 in this without countin' the brain work.
All right, I'll make it five...
and the government will give you capital gains.
Don't mention the government to me.
I try to help the government out...
with everything they want to do...
with relief, with compensation, with disability.
They cut me off. If that's the way they feel about it...
don't mention the government to me.
Uh, he's your father?
That's my Pop.
Yeah, that figures. All right, I'll go a little higher...
but don't push it too hard.
Well, if Pop says we don't sell, we don't sell.
You don't sell?
Well, I tried to do it nice.
There it is, Alisha.
A perfect example of how a tenement slum commences.
Which one is the Kwimpers'?
The hideosity with the dock.
What about the rest of the homesteaders?
You planning to get rid of those, too?
I certainly am, one way or another.
Once you've got rid of the Kwimpers.
How long will it take you?
Well, Arthur, it's not going to be any quick thing.
State welfare requires a complete list of interviews...
with everybody concerned.
Very well. Start interviewing.
How long has he been here?
It doesn't matter. He's got the I.Q. Of a grasshopper.
With those shoulders, he sure looks like a genius to me.
Introduce me, Arthur.
Kwimper, this is Miss Alisha Claypoole.
She is our state welfare supervisor.
- Oh, how do, ma'am? - Oh, stay right where you are.
- You can go now, Arthur. - But...
- Thank you, Arthur. - Hmm.
- What's your first name? - Toby.
- Mine's Alisha. - Oh, how do, Alisha?
Oh, please relax.
Did you understand what Arthur King meant...
when he mentioned your I.Q.?
I reckon he meant I'm not smart.
I hope he didn't hurt your feelings.
No, ma'am. There's a couple of things I am smart about...
and one of them is not lettin' my feelings get hurt easy.
That's smart. It's even wise.
Anybody ever tell you you're very handsome?
Only girls.
Don't you like girls?
Oh, I like girls all right...
except when they start to bother me.
A young, virile man like you...
I should think you'd love to be bothered.
Well, the botherin' part's all right...
but I ain't gonna marry no girl and build no house...
just so I can be bothered regular.
Mm-hmm.
The flight from paternity. Oedipus is everywhere.
- I beg your pardon, ma'am? - Nothing.
You know, Toby, that the state welfare department...
is deeply interested in you.
How come?
'Cause you're a very interesting man.
I am?
Exquisite proportions. Why, your legs are amazing.
Uh-uh-uh, that tickles, ma'am. That tickles.
That's because I hit a very sensitive nerve that...
If you are finished tickling Toby's leg...
I'd like him to do a chore.
Who would this be?
That's Holly. Hello, Holly. Say howdy do to Alisha.
A member of the Kwimper family?
Oh, Holly's practically a sister to me.
- What does practically mean? - Oh, we're not related.
Alisha here is a state welfare supervisor.
Oh, that's lucky.
Somebody's welfare around here needs supervising.
Come and help me fill the water barrel.
I just filled it last night.
Well, it fell over. I think the twins must've pushed it.
Look, that barrel weighs 200 or 300 pounds, Holly.
The twins couldn't have turned it over.
Maybe they had a little help.
I'll fill it for you later, honey.
Much later.
Right now, Alisha's gotta figure out my welfare.
I've never seen Holly look so upset.
She must be awful thirsty.
Toby, look at me.
You know, total naivete is a hard thing to believe...
but I believe it.
Oh, what'd you say, ma'am?
Never mind. It's a compliment.
Oh, thank you.
I'll give you one, just as soon as I can make one up.
Can't you think of a compliment without making it up?
Well...
Try.
Try real hard.
Hey, Toby!
How are the fish runnin' today?
You ain't got your mind on work, though, have you? Whee-hee!
This is about as private as a subway. Come with me.
Well, I ain't got any secrets.
Well, we just can't have a good interview with people intruding.
Oh.
- You comfortable? - Yes, ma'am.
- You need another pillow or... - No, this is fine. Thank you.
Well, Toby, I need to know my subject inside out...
every intimate detail, in order to prescribe help.
Well, I didn't know you was fixin' to help me...
seein' you're friends to Mr. King and all.
Oh, don't worry about Arthur King.
State welfare wants to help you.
That's what the word "welfare" means, isn't it?
Yes, ma'am. I never said it didn't.
Well, let's start with the word association test.
Now, I'll say a word...
and you say the first word that pops into your head.
No, this is a test to probe your subconscious.
We all know our motives on the conscious level...
and those are the ones we often try to conceal.
Now, if you answer me right away...
I'll know the motives you're trying to conceal...
and I'll know the real reasons for the things you do and say.
Oh.
Now, I gotta think about that a little bit.
Are you ready?
- Yep. Should I stand up? - Oh, no, no. Just relax.
Now... first word.
- Hurt. - Ow.
Well, I don't think that's a word.
Doesn't matter.
Second word. Ready?
- Help. - Help.
No, Toby, you don't repeat the word.
You just say what the word suggests to you.
Nobody yells, "Help." They always yell, "Help, help!"
So I was waiting for the other "Help"...
And when you didn't say "Help," well, I said "Help."
I see. This isn't gonna be quite as easy as I expected.
Uh, now the third word.
- Steal. - Home.
Oh, you poor boy.
You think somebody's trying to steal your home.
- Willie Mays stole home. - Who's Willie May?
Not May. Mays. He's a baseball player.
Never mind. The association speaks for itself.
Now, number four.
Girl.
Dad.
- Holy Moses. - Somethin' wrong?
Toby, I just have to ask you to explain that one for me.
Well, that's the song they're playing.
On top of old Smoky
Where things get real hot
Where girls are a problem
Which dad knows I've got
That's pretty good. Sing some more.
Follow that dream
I've got to follow that
Keep a-movin, move along
Keep a-movin'
I've gotta follow that dream wherever that dream may lead
I gotta follow that dream to find the love I need
When your heart gets restless
Time to move along
When your heart gets weary
Time to sing a song
But when a dream is calling you
There's just one thing that you can do
You've gotta follow that dream wherever that dream may lead
You gotta follow that dream to find the love you need
Keep a-movin', move along
Keep a-movin'
Gotta find me someone
Whose heart is free
Someone to look for
My dream with me
And when I find her
I may find out
That's what my dreams
Are all about
I've gotta follow that dream wherever that dream may lead
I gotta follow that dream to find the love I need
I've gotta follow that dream wherever that dream may lead
I gotta follow that dream to find the love I need
Keep a-movin', move along
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
Any more words?
Yes. Love.
Thirty.
You think love begins at thirty?
No, ma'am. Love is when you ain't got any.
- Any what? - Any points, like in tennis.
Love-fifteen, love-thirty, love-forty.
Maybe I should have said love-fifteen...
but it ain't what I thought of.
That's all right.
I just misunderstood you.
Now the last word... sex.
One times one is one. One times two is two.
One times three is three.
Fascinating answers. Fascinating.
Did I pass the test?
What you just did spontaneously...
was express the realization that with one person...
or one of any species, sex is a sterile thing...
that can't produce more than the original number...
that it started with.
But as soon as there are two, it becomes productive.
Yes, ma'am...
and that's something you have to watch out for.
Toby, don't spoil the poetry of it.
Well...
Oh, that's enough work for this afternoon.
Let's just lie back and enjoy the afternoon sun.
You like me like this, Toby?
You're awful close.
Toby, just put your arm around me...
and do whatever you think of.
Just like you did in the test.
I didn't know the government give this kind of test.
Toby.
Now...
One times one is one. One times two is two.
One times three is three.
- One times four is four. - Toby!
- Toby, where are ya? - That's the end.
No, that's Holly.
Toby, you've got to come home right away.
- What happened? - Somebody opened the bait box.
Now, who would do a fool thing like that?
Holly and I know, don't we, Holly?
Well, come on. We got customers waiting.
OK. How'd you happen to find us, Holly?
Well, I just saw you turn off the highway...
and I followed the dirt road till the tire tracks stopped.
- Smart girl. Good tracking. - Just like an Indian squaw.
Well, at least we finished the test.
- I'm sorry I gotta go, Alisha. - Just as well.
I'll be with you in a minute, Toby.
OK.
- Miss Claypoole? - Yes?
I don't like being called a squaw.
- Did I hear a splash? - Your friend went swimming.
Oh, I see. Swimmin'?
Yeah.
- Holly? - Yeah?
What word would you say if I were to say a word like...
like "boys"?
I wouldn't say anything.
You wouldn't say anything? Why not?
I'd wait for you to finish whatever you started to say.
You would have done no better at the test than I done, then.
You were doing just fine when I arrived.
I was doing the multiplication tables.
Were you, Toby?
- Were you really? - Yep.
You know what? Right after dinner...
I'm gonna teach you the nines tables...
and right on through the twelves.
- You hear me? - Uh-huh.
You know, Holly, I can't help but worry...
about why Alisha came here.
Whatever it was, Mr. King put her up to it.
I sure hope I didn't say nothin' wrong.
They'll use it against us as sure as baby rabbits.
Especially after you pushed her in that water.
Oh, Toby, how'd you know?
Still too much pressure.
I gotta fix that.
Hi, Mr. Endicott. Come on in.
- Hi, folks. - Good morning, Mr. Endicott.
Morning, Toby, boys.
I thought I'd get a little early fishing in today.
- Have a cup of coffee? - Don't mind if I do. Thanks.
Quite a few changes around here lately.
Yeah. Noisy ones, too.
Why don't they turn down that radio?
That ain't no radio. It's an orchestra.
At 6:00 in the morning?
It's been playing all night long.
Every night.
- Have you talked to 'em? - I talked to 'em.
They said if it's too noisy, they'd buy us out.
Not only that. They threw dead fish in our water barrel...
cut loose our rowboats from the moorings...
and somebody dropped a green paint bomb in the john...
while it was occupied... by me.
Call the cops.
Yeah, but the cops ain't got no say here.
Only federal cops.
When we called the FBI and asked them...
to help us get some sleep, they got right snippy.
You know, we ought to elect our own sheriff.
Could we have our own sheriff?
Well, you might at that.
If you got all your neighbors together and elected one...
the state might grant you a city charter.
Of course, it'd be a mighty small city...
but then there have been smaller ones.
I'll have my lawyers check into it.
- What was that? - Somebody made an eight.
The hard way.
- Don't forget your hat. - Oh, Holly.
Now, you were elected sheriff. You gotta look like one.
I don't like all this fuss.
Look, son, this is your first official act as sheriff.
It's like being part of the government.
I don't know whether I like that.
Well, go ahead, son. Do your best, now, will you?
All right, Pop.
Come on. Two!
- Where's Nick? - In the office.
Thank you.
Come in.
- Evening. - Hi.
Well, if it isn't our new sheriff.
- Come on in, Toby. Sit down. - Thank you, sir.
- Make yourself comfortable. - Would you like a drink?
No, thanks, sir.
You know, it's gonna be a wonderful feeling...
having you around here to protect us.
- It is? - Yeah.
Carmine and me and the boys...
we're all gonna be able to sleep a lot better now.
I sure hope so.
Say, sheriff, we were wondering, what's gonna be your policy?
Policy?
I pledge allegiance to the flag...
and the country for which it stands.
One nation, indivisible, with...
No. That's not what we want to know. Is it?
Well, it'll do for openers.
No, what we were really interested in, sheriff...
is what ordinances are you going to enforce?
Oh, I guess I'm gonna enforce 'em all.
Ain't no need to favor one over another.
All what? I mean, what are the local laws?
Well, the same as anywhere else. People ain't gonna be allowed...
to make a nuisance of themselves...
like you and Nick here have been doing.
Well, that's not a law the way you're saying it.
I mean, a law has to be spelled out...
so a man knows what he's paying off for, right?
Well, I guess a man generally knows...
when he's wrong, and I guess you're right.
So I'll lay it out the best I can.
Folks all agreed that 11:00 at night...
would be a good time to stop drinkin' liquor...
and raising ruckuses and everything...
so if you fellas will just close up shop at 11:00...
you won't have no trouble at all.
Oh, if we just close up shop at 11:00 at night...
we won't have any trouble at all, huh?
Now, listen, are you nuts?
Our joint doesn't get started till 11:00.
I know that, Nick, and a lot of folks...
would rather take a lickin' than close up at 11:00...
but you fellas are lucky.
What are you talkin' about?
Operating out of a trailer, you can just up and move away...
without losing a single night's business.
Oh, we can, huh? Thanks.
Oh, well, you'd have thought of that, Nick.
No, I don't think so, no.
That's the way it's gonna be, huh?
I mean, there's no point in discussing...
a more sensible arrangement, like, let's say, 2:00 or 3:00?
It wouldn't work out, Carmine.
See, the folks have gotta have their rest, you know?
Well, if you'll excuse me, I'll go about my business.
Where you going?
I'm going out and tell the folks...
they have to go home at 11:00.
- I can't let you do that, Toby. - Oh? Why not?
Oh, 'cause I like you. And the boys like you.
- Right, boys? - Right, Nick!
Now, being a sheriff can be a very dangerous thing.
Like, if you walk around out there with that badge on...
you might make some of our players nervous.
And some of our players get very rough...
when they get nervous, see?
You don't want to be no sheriff, Toby.
Terrible things happen to sheriffs.
Like what, Nick?
- Blackie, Al, tell him. - Sure, boss.
- Explain it to him good. - The full treatment?
Yeah. The full treatment.
Oh, I appreciate it very much, Nick.
My pleasure.
If you'll excuse us...
Carmine and I have some business to take care of.
Sure. Sure.
Nice talking to you again.
Let me tell you about some of the things...
a sheriff runs up against.
First, don't you have a gun or a club?
Oh, I don't see no need for it.
I figure if a man's gonna be a peace officer...
he shouldn't go around looking unpeaceful.
No gun, no club.
Well, I can wrestle. I can wrestle real good, though.
Yeah, but suppose someone sneaked up behind you.
Yeah, and grabbed your arms like this.
And another one was in front of you...
and he had a sap like this...
and he wrapped it around his wrist like this.
You'd be helpless, wouldn't you?
Unless I done something like this.
Fellas?
Blackie? I'm sorry. I was just showing you... AI?
Blackie?
I think they've had enough time.
Now, why don't you run the station wagon around back...
and we'll hand his body out through the window.
What'll I do with him?
Well, if he's still breathing...
drop him off at the nearest hospital.
What happened?
They was showing me how I shouldn't get hurt.
I wish they'd wake up so I could apologize to them.
I don't think they can hear me now.
No, I don't think so, either.
Al?
Al!
Hey, Blackie.
Blackie!
I didn't mean to hurt 'em.
Ladies and gentlemen!
Could I have your attention, please?
Hey!
Hey, what are you doing?
Well, I figure if I flick these lights a little bit...
I get some attention.
You can't do that.
Oh, yes, I can. It's easy. Watch.
Ladies and gentlemen...
He did it! He did it!
They're wrecking the whole joint.
Who you calling?
I'm sick and tired of you bush leaguers.
I'm gonna get some real pros down here.
- Operator. - Long distance.
May I help you?
Yeah, of course you can help me. Get me Detroit.
What you wanna lock someone out of there for?
Son, that's inhuman.
Oh, it ain't for lockin' out, Pop. It's for lockin' in.
You see, if I had to arrest somebody...
this is about the only place we can use for a jail.
Could be inconvenient.
Toby? Someone just called from the gas station.
One of our rowboats washed up down the point.
Well, I'll hike down there and row it back.
- Can I go with you? - Sure.
- Here. - No, Holly.
I don't want to be no sheriff now.
Now, a sheriff wears his hat all the time.
That's just like a woman.
Now, Toby, why is it that...
every time you don't like what I do, I'm a woman...
and every time you're pleased with me, I'm a little girl?
That's just because you ain't neither one.
You're just a little nuisance, that's all.
Just a little nuisance.
- Hi. - Hi.
- Well, signal's off. - Oh, no. They're still on.
- Good. - Only the joker isn't home.
Blackie saw him go down the highway...
about twenty minutes ago.
He's got a broad with him.
And he's wearing a hat like the white hunter.
You know, like a sun helmet.
- He's got a deputy's badge. - I got it.
- Thanks for thinking of me. - Yeah, yeah, sure.
Count it, Pete.
Well, that's that.
- Nick? - Yeah?
Let's go fishing.
- Fishing? - Hey, Blackie.
There's a couple of hurricane lamps in the back room.
Bring them over to the pier.
We get a couple of fishing rods, and we go fishing.
What, have you gone nuts?
We get the old man to help us with the bait and everything.
- Carmine, I don't want to go... - Wait a minute.
You don't like the alibi?
We go fishing.
Golly, that was close.
- You all right, Holly? - Yeah.
Darn fools. They must be drunker than a bunch of skunks.
They looked like they were trying to run us down.
Oh, now, just 'cause they're drunk...
don't mean they tried to do it on purpose.
See? They must be drunk.
They done went and got themselves stuck in the sand.
Honey, you get out in the woods and wait a little while.
Why? What are you gonna do?
Well, I'm the sheriff, ain't I?
I gotta teach them drunks a lesson.
If they done that on purpose...
I don't want to have to worry about you gettin' hurt.
Now, move along, now. Move on.
- We're stuck. - No kidding.
All right. You and Pete get out and push.
And what are you gonna do, grunt?
Never mind. I think I can make it.
I'm the sheriff here, fellas...
and I can't give you these keys back till you're fit to drive.
Take care of the sheriff, Pete.
Turn on the music.
And make it loud. I like it loud.
Well, what are you waiting for?
- Where's your gun? - Well, I got it.
Now, what I want to talk to you fellas about...
Get the artillery!
Holly?
Holly!
Holly?
Over here.
Boy, them guys are drunk out of their minds.
- One of 'em tried to shoot me. - No!
They must be on a hunting trip or something.
The whole car's full of guns.
They're coming after you!
Yeah, I know. I guess I'd better try to sober 'em up.
Now, you stay here, Holly.
Hey, fellas!
I'm over here, fellas.
They told us this character didn't carry no gun, right?
Right. I seen him pretty good.
- Yeah, yeah, he was empty. - Good.
Hold it.
I think we got him.
- I don't see him. - Neither do I.
But he's around here somewhere.
- Let me have the flashlight. - Here.
Hey!
You didn't even get close, fellas!
Mighty poor hunters!
- Sounds like he's over there. - Nah. Over there.
No, there he is. See the hat?
Hold it. Spread out a little.
And when I turn the flashlight on him...
give him everything you've got.
OK, move.
- Louie. - Yeah?
I thought I told you to spread out.
- Well, I was... - Never mind. Stay close.
I'm a better shot than you are, anyway.
Here, take the flashlight.
Well, you know drunks oughtn't to be shootin' guns, anyway.
Hey, Louie! Pete! Louie! Pete!
Pete, come here.
What's the matter? What happened?
- What happened? - I don't know. He got my gun.
- How did he do that? - What's the difference?
- He got it. - Where's your flash?
- He got that, too. - Why don't we get out of here?
- Which way is out? - Shh!
He might hear us.
There he is.
Now blast him.
This time I know we got him.
What is this?
- You see him? - No.
- Me, neither. - What are you shootin' at?
All right, fellas, you're surrounded.
You want to keep on makin' trouble...
I'll give you one guess who's gonna be sorry.
Look, mac, it was all a mistake, you know?
It's always a mistake to get drunk.
Hey, you quit, and we'll quit.
I ain't quittin' till I get them guns off of you.
All of them. Just drop 'em right there and move away.
Now, that ain't reasonable, mac. Nothin' doin'.
All right, Charlie, Harry, let 'em have it.
OK, OK! You can have the stinkin' hardware! Dump it.
Turn to your right and keep walkin'.
All right, that's far enough.
I'll put the car keys back in the ignition for you, fellas.
Oh, wait a minute, mac.
You're not gonna leave us in this jungle, are you?
Well, you gotta sober up somewhere.
I would lock you up, but the three of you...
would be kind of cramped in our john.
Yeah. Look, after we sober up, how do we get out of here?
Well, when the sun comes up...
you just walk straight towards it...
and that'll take you back to the road.
You fellas better not hang around here anymore.
Don't worry, mac.
Good night.
- Good night. - Good night.
How long you been in this business?
- Ten years. - Twelve.
You meet all kinds of people.
Those terrible men tryin' to kill you...
I just don't understand it.
It don't make no sense to me, either.
Holly...
somebody's sneakin' around our porch.
It might be Pop.
No, it ain't Pop. He's down on the dock.
Here, hold this.
Gotcha.
No!
No need being so touchy about a little joke.
- What was he doing here? - I don't know.
He was carrying this stuff here.
What is it?
Kerosene. It must belong to Nick.
I better take it back over to them.
- Hi, Toby! - Hi, kids.
Where's the boat?
We'll have to drive down and load it onto the car.
Come on, we'll tell Pop about it.
- Hey, I got another one! - Good, good, good.
You pay for the fish by the pound...
you pay for the line by the yard...
then keep fishin', keep fishin'. Good, good.
That's a big one. Did ya see that?
- Yeah, big one, big one. - Evening, folks.
- Hello, Tobe. - How's the fishing?
Good, good.
Don't make no move, Nick. Look what he got.
Yeah, I see it, I see it.
What kinda gun's that you got there, son?
Oh, just a little old burp gun, Pop.
Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom!
Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom!
What will those kids take to lay off that stuff?
All right, kids, quit it.
You're gettin' the dock all bloody and everything.
Nick, I think I'm gonna be sick.
You feelin' sick at your stomach, huh?
Oh, that's bad.
Makes you feel like you're gonna die, don't it?
He's drivin' me nuts playing around like this.
Well, I ain't playin'. Uh, Pop?
I'm gonna need the car for a little while...
on account of something happening...
back out there in the woods.
Help yourself, son.
You gentlemen be interested in takin' a little ride with me?
- OK, boys, ready for bed. - Do we have to?
Yeah, you have to. Go on.
- Evening, gentlemen. - Evening.
Oh, Toby, do you have to carry that awful gun around?
It's just to scare people with, Holly.
- Is he kiddin'? - I just don't know anymore.
Oh, your friend Blackie...
he left a jug of kerosene and a package under our porch.
I took them back to your place.
- You what? - Our place?
Yeah, it's right inside the door.
You can find it easy enough.
We can, huh?
Ten, nine...
eight, seven...
six, five...
Do you do the multiplication tables, too, Nick?
Three, two, one.
I'll be doggoned. Your place blowed up, Nick.
It's on fire, too.
- He must be kidding. - I'm still not sure.
We're gettin' out of here... for good.
Do you think he'll let us?
Let you? The sheriff ain't got no say-so about where you go.
Come on.
Me, I'm just as glad they're gone.
I never did cotton up to 'em.
It ain't nice to say, Pop...
but I never did truly believe them fellas was honest.
Never did.
Pop! Pop!
They took the kids away! They took the kids away!
Take it easy now, Holly. Take it easy.
Just slow down, honey. Tell us what happened.
I went to the school to pick up the twins...
and I had Ariadne with me...
and they wouldn't let the twins go.
- They took Ariadne, too. - Who did?
I don't know.
He had a policeman and a state trooper...
and he said that he was taking them to the welfare department.
He said that it was the law...
and that there was nothing he could do about it.
The welfare department.
That means that Claypoole woman had something to do with this.
You're quite right, Mr. Kwimper.
What are you two doing in my house?
One for you, one for you, and one for you.
Mr. King, you're a witness that action took place legally.
Well, you can witness this, too. This here is our sheriff...
and he's gonna arrest this woman for snitchin' our kids.
We're gonna get those kids back...
or she's gonna get locked up in the john... prison, I mean.
The children are under the custody...
of the state welfare department...
by the court order of Judge Waterman.
Judge Waterman respects my opinion...
as state welfare supervisor...
and it is my opinion that you people...
are simply not fit to raise children!
What a dirty thing you are... a dirty, dirty, dirty thing.
Well, that's quite a vocabulary you've got.
Now you just hold on, ma'am. You just hold on.
Did them twins do something wrong?
No, the twins did nothing wrong...
nothing they could help, considering their environment.
The hearing is at 9:00 tomorrow morning...
but we might consent to a postponement.
- All right, what's the catch? - Quite simple.
If you were planning to go back where you came from...
the court would probably relinquish jurisdiction...
let you take your problems home with you.
We're supposed to up and leave our property here?
It's not your proper...
As a public servant, I must tell you again.
This whole area was put in for the public's benefit.
How can you get your hat on with your head so crooked?
Do you think the people is one thing...
and the public is another thing?
You're like every department jackass I ever knowed!
You do nothin' for a single solitary soul...
and then it's because you're pretending...
you're doing something for everybody, for the public!
Who do you think the public is but me and him and her?
God, please turn your head away. And you and you.
Now get outta here and leave us alone.
But don't you...
Don't argue with him, Arthur. Let's go.
That's mighty fine talkin', Pop.
I'd have done better to save my guns for tomorrow.
We'll get the kids back, won't we, Pop?
I ain't gonna lie to ya, Holly. I'm worried, right worried.
Everybody please rise.
This is a hearing based on a request...
by the Department of Public Welfare...
for a court order giving the department...
control and guardianship over these three children I see here.
Mr. Kwimper, are you represented by counsel?
Come again, judge?
- Have you got a lawyer? - No, sir.
I don't believe in 'em. Never did.
- Don't you, indeed? - No, sir.
Well, suit yourself.
Thank you, judge.
Now, then, since this is a hearing and not a trial...
let's keep it simple and informal.
Miss Claypoole, would you start us off?
Thank you.
Your honor, the Department of Public Welfare...
is charged with the responsibility...
of ministering to the well-being of all its citizens...
particularly those of its children.
The cases of these three children...
have caused the department deep concern.
Why, the twins live in a home...
that's hardly more than a breeding ground...
for delinquency and crime.
The Kwimper adults are immoral, defiant of authority...
and strongly suspected of illicitly obtaining funds...
from government agencies.
And they are also known to have associated closely...
with gangsters.
I shall document each of these charges when the time comes.
As part of our proof that the Kwimpers are unfit...
to raise children, I shall ask Mr. King...
to report on his dealings with the Kwimper family.
By taking advantage of a technicality, your honor...
these people set their own interests...
above those of six million taxpayers.
When I tried to persuade the Kwimpers...
to abandon their anti-social point of view...
I received nothing but abuse...
in the course of which the elder Kwimper boasted...
that he habitually received relief funds...
as well as aid to dependent children.
I later learned that Toby Kwimper...
served in the army, where he tricked the doctors...
into awarding him a total disability allowance.
I use the word "tricked" advisedly.
I can prove that he suffers...
from no physical disqualifications at all.
- Anything more? - Quite a lot, your honor.
The department should like to point out...
that the Kwimpers have no legal status...
as guardians for these children.
Moreover, the Kwimpers encouraged...
two notorious gangsters to set up...
a gambling establishment in their neighborhood.
Subsequently, the Kwimpers quarreled with the gangsters...
burned down their establishment...
and finally drove them out at gunpoint.
Yes, I heard something about that... frightening.
Terrible.
So is the fact that an unmarried girl...
by the name of Holly Jones lives with the Kwimpers...
in a relationship that I would not care to explore.
Well, goodness.
What a terrible thing to say.
Be quiet.
You will have an opportunity to answer the charges.
One final point, your honor.
As a qualified psychologist...
I gave Toby Kwimper a word association test...
which is designed to reveal basic motivations.
It was during the process of giving this test...
that I was attacked and knocked down by Miss Jones.
And you people claim that you don't need a lawyer, hmm?
What did the test reveal?
Attitudes that were shocking to the entire welfare department.
I submit a copy to the court.
Well, what have you to say about all this?
Judge, would you mind if we hashed this over...
by ourselves for a little while?
Hash it over, by all means.
Thank you, judge.
Know what I think, Pop? I think we don't look so good.
It's unfair. She's twisted every single fact.
Well, somebody's gotta untwist it.
Well, good for you, Pop.
Not me. I'll get mad, and that won't do any good.
You take care of the two of us.
Me? I ain't very good at talking...
We won't be no worse off than we are now.
- Please, Toby. - Go ahead, son. Go ahead.
- I don't know, Pop. - Please. Please, son.
I'll probably make a mess of things, judge...
but Pop and Holly here, they got faith in me...
so here goes.
You may still hire a lawyer.
Well, Pop's already said no to that...
and Pop's usually right about everything he says.
First off, maybe I was wrong...
when I wanted to throw Mr. King off the property.
- Very gracious of you. - Yes, sir.
There's no need for me to get ornery...
just because Mr. King got a little nasty.
And just what nasty thing did Mr. King do?
Well, he tried to throw us off the property...
that he had no say-so about.
Got our backs up and everything.
Uh, judge, would it be legal-like...
if I were to answer some of the things...
that were said agin' me personal?
You may choose the order of your rebuttal.
- That means it's all right? - Yes.
Well, about my back.
They told me at Fort Dix that I strained my back...
after my first judo lesson.
I told the docs that it straightened out...
after the next lesson and it wasn't nothin' to begin with...
but they said it was, and I had to go on total disability.
Now, I'm willing to admit that a doctor might know...
just a little bit more than me...
so I've been takin' the checks ever since.
But the way it's worked out...
I might've done the wrong thing...
and if I did, I'm awful sorry.
Are you defending yourself or making a confession?
I'm just trying to tell what happened. Is that all right?
Well, it's pretty unusual, but go on.
Judge, it don't do me no good...
to talk against people who ain't here to answer back...
but all we done to Nick and Carmine...
was just return a package they left at our house.
We didn't know there was a bomb in it.
If we'd have known it, we would have thrown it in the bay.
And we didn't chase 'em off at gunpoint, either.
When their place blowed up, they just up and beat it.
Well, if you can prove that...
it takes care of an important point.
Oh, I can prove it, judge, but it don't seem important to me.
It doesn't, eh? Why not?
Well, if I was a judge in charge of deciding...
who was to bring up three nice kids...
I'd just be wondering if Pop was a good man...
and if Holly was...
was a good woman.
You can ask the twins about Holly.
I mean, they're just kids, but kids know who they love...
and who taught 'em everything they know and made 'em like it.
Dog me, Holly is just a kid, too...
but they don't come no better... and smart, too.
If it weren't for her, we'd really be on relief right now...
or starvin' to death.
I've already pointed out why he'd be prejudiced...
on that point, your honor.
I reckon I'm prejudiced on a lot of points you made, ma'am.
First of all, I'm prejudiced...
against twistin' the truth around...
and I'm prejudiced against hurtin' kids...
particularly of hurting them...
just 'cause I'm sore at their folks.
- Judge, can I say something? - Go ahead.
I don't like to say this, judge.
I don't like to talk against a woman's good name...
but for the sake of the kids, though, I gotta do it.
Well, you certainly have me interested.
Hell ain't got no fury like a woman scorned.
Yes?
That's all, judge.
Well, Mr. Kwimper...
your observation may or may not be accurate.
I couldn't say which myself...
but I would like to know why you said it.
I said it because it's true, judge.
That Miss Claypoole there...
she went after Toby like he come with green coupons.
She was leanin' on him, she was ticklin' him...
she was kissin' him...
and when he paid her no never mind...
she set out to give us what hell ain't got no fury like.
Your honor, I shall not dignify that falsehood with a denial.
I should simply like to point out...
that it is not I who am on trial here.
No one is on trial here, Miss Claypoole.
This is a hearing.
Now, do you support what your father just said?
I'd rather not answer that, sir.
Very well. Briefly, then, did Miss Claypoole ever kiss you?
Yes, sir.
Really, your honor, what do you expect them to say?
Why, they'll clutch at any straw.
Please be seated, Miss Claypoole...
and we'll have no further interruptions.
Continue.
I was talkin' about Pop...
and how it might help you to know the kind of man he is.
Pop don't like to be talked about...
and I most generally try to do what he likes.
I can't help myself this time, though.
My pop's an ornery man, judge. That's because he's so smart.
He can't stand it when people act stupid.
Well, I ain't so bright myself...
and it's a wonder to me that we get along as well as we do.
Many times, I was minded to go against him.
I thought maybe there was more to livin'...
then just enjoying it the way Pop taught me.
But I was never dumb enough to go agin' him, judge...
and it usually turned out I was glad I didn't.
Now, it's a fact that Ariadne and the twins and Holly...
ain't no kin to Pop.
Now, don't that make you stop and think, judge?
You name me another man...
that would take in three hungry children...
just because they ain't got no place to go...
and no one to turn to.
Pop ain't got no money. He ain't never had.
Why'd he take in three strange kids?
I'll tell you why, judge. It's 'cause he's a good man.
He's always been good to me...
and he's always been good to them.
He always will be, too.
Now, that's all that matters here today...
and if you don't know that, judge, you ain't no judge.
Your honor, may I remind you of my findings...
in this man's word association test?
He may mean well consciously...
but his subconscious motivations...
are all that really matter.
Well, have you anything to say about that test?
Yes, sir. Could I say it in private?
- Very well. - Thank you.
Counsel for the defense points out...
and very correctly...
that his test has nothing to do with the case.
It is his father...
who is the children's presumptive guardian.
Well, let his father take the test. I have one right here.
That was counsel's suggestion.
Yes?
That's a good idea.
Mr. Kwimper? Please.
You gettin' light in the head?
Mr. Kwimper...
do you understand the word association test?
The test that Toby took?
- That's right. - Yes.
Would you sit down there, please?
Very well. We may proceed.
Ready?
Yep.
Court.
Child.
- We're cooked. - Mm-hmm.
Moon.
Election.
House.
Those will be sufficient, your honor.
All right. Thank you very much, Mr. Kwimper.
You're welcome, judge.
Can you analyze these answers now?
I believe so.
Very well, we'll proceed.
Court, crime.
Well, that's a simple-minded response of a criminal nature.
A court is where you go when you've committed a crime.
Oh, now, wait a minute... never mind.
Child, labor.
Well, that's obvious.
He thinks of children in terms of exploiting their labor.
Oh, now, really. I think that is...
Your honor, I have a master's degree in psychology.
Moon, shine.
Well, that's an illegal liquor...
drunk by illiterate, irresponsible alcoholics.
What about Shine On, Harvest Moon? That's a song.
What's that got to do with alcoholics?
You don't understand, your hon...
That's enough! Your request for a court order is denied.
Your honor, I don't think you understand. Any qualified...
Miss Claypoole, you're the one...
who doesn't understand this test.
Those answers were not Mr. Kwimper's, they were mine!
That was counsel's suggestion.
And you, Mr. Kwimper, were right...
about not needing a lawyer.
You couldn't have had a better one.
Well, this court has had a remarkable experience today.
It's had the rare privilege of listening to an honest man.
And it's had a further privilege.
It has heard the history of a little settlement...
a little colony...
that overcame hardships, fought back men of evil purpose...
and survived all kinds...
of legalistic and financial difficulties.
It's gratifying to know that the spirit of the pioneer...
the spirit that made this the greatest country...
in the world, ladies and gentlemen...
it's thrilling to know that this spirit...
is still functioning today.
Our government needs it more than ever, don't you think?
I agree, judge.
I'm willing to admit that I've been...
letting the government down a little lately.
I haven't been taking any relief...
or unemployment insurance, but...
I'm willing to let bygones be bygones.
We'll get together sometime.
Yes.
Case dismissed.
I knowed it! I knowed it!
- Teddy! Eddy! - Pop!
Angel
With those angel eyes
Come and take this earth boy
Up to paradise
Angel
May I hold you tight?
Never kissed an angel
Let me kiss one tonight
If I said I love you
Would I be speaking out of turn?
I'm only human
But I'm willing to learn
Angel
Make my wish come true
Let me be in heaven
Here on earth with you
Angel
Never kissed an angel
Let me kiss one tonight
If I said I love you
Would I be speaking out of turn?
I'm only human
But I'm willing to learn
Angel
Make my wish come true
Let me be in heaven
Here on earth with you
Angel
- Hello, Holly. - Hello, Toby.
- You look awful pretty tonight. - Thank you.
Too bad ain't nobody here to see you.
Isn't it, though?
- Toby? - Hmm?
I want the truth.
What did that Claypoole woman do to make you kiss her?
Oh, you know, Holly. You know.
No, I don't. Now, you answer me.
Oh, we was lyin' on them pillows, remember?
Mm-hmm, I remember.
- I was lyin' on... - I want you to show me...
exactly what happened, step by step.
Now...
you were lying down like this...
- Mm-hmm. - And then what?
And she kind of leaned down real close to me.
- Like this? - Mm-hmm.
And she run her fingers over my forehead.
Like this?
Well, not so much like you was ironing a shirt.
It was a little softer.
That's it.
And then she made me put my arms around her.
- Like this? - Mm-hmm.
And she leaned down and kissed me...
and I guess I kissed her.
Toby, you're doing that darn times table.
But you know something? I never got to the twelves so fast.
Twelve times twelve is a hundred and forty-four.
What bothers me is what comes after the twelves.
Me, Toby. Me.
I ought to fix that.
She's loaded with pressure.
5@y3